100 min., 2010
Written by Peter Schink/Scott Stewart
Directed by Scott Stewart
My rating: ★
Proof that God doesn’t care about us and how he may try to kill us.
* * *
If you ever wanted to see Michael Bay make a horror movie, you’ve got it with this one. HOLY SHIT (joke intended) this movie was terrible. There are way too many things wrong with this movie to hit them all and not make this about a hundred pages long, so I’ll just hit on some of the major ones.
First you have the overall plot. Trying to not give too much away I’ll just say that this is really about the second child of God (I think), but God doesn’t want it to happen????? I mean, talk about favoritism.
Now I’m not a religions type (in fact I really am against all religion), but talk about treating a religion like shit. God can’t stop eight people and one of his own used-to-be angels with a mere thought. He has to possess all the weak minded (which tend to be all white punks, old people, and kids) to do his work. Really, is that the best he can do? That aside, talk about trashing a god. When did God become so needy? “I gave him what he needed, not what he wanted.” Really, that almost sounds like what a date rapist would say.
Also, when did God trade in a virgin for a slut? Have times changed that much? I guess the last thing I’ll say on this matter is: what does God really need an army for???? Can’t He just snap his fingers and all the “bad guys” be gone? I really don’t get it.
Sorry about that, but it had to be said.
On to the characters. Talk about stereotypes. You have Bob, the loser father; Jeep, the seems-to-be retarded son (no joke: “Jeep” is his real name); Charlie the pregnent girl who just doen’t care and thinks badly of herself; Percy the short order cook who lost his hand in a war, and who is now extremely religious. Those are the ones who work at Paradise Falls, then there are the people who are just passing through (getting stuck). Howard and Sandra Anderson, the perfect suburban father and mother, and their daughter, Audrey, the perfect, scantly clad, talk to your parents about getting fucked, bad girl. Kyle, the great father, but carries a gun to flash and scare people. (By the way, have you figured out which two of these characters are black?)
Then there is Michael the archangel, who thinks he is better than the God who created him (knowing what God wants and needs). There is also the other archangel Gabriel, who I think is in love with Michael. I mean the looks that he gives Michael is just too much on the gay side.
The scares. Beside some jump scares, which were really too predictiable (the camera pulling in on the window for ten seconds before something jumps through it), there really were no true scares. The scares that could have been really cool were destroyed by the “comedy” tossed onto them. Le’ts take all the real “monsters”: you get a good look at and toss a funny person in their shoes. A grandma, an ice cream man, or a child. Really none of those scream FEAR. They just scream COMPLETE JOKE.
Now I come to a few little hand-picked problems. Like “Men Strong, Women Weak”. Let’s start with Michael talking to Charlie, “Don’t do anything brave.” Now, if he would have said stupid, dumb, anything to get yourself killed, I could’ve accepted it. But don’t be brave: in other words, cower in the corner and let the men hand this. Another thing on that is the fact that Audrey knows how to fire the machine guns and is teaching Kyle to use it. But he takes it and give her a handgun. Yes, let’s have the inexperienced guy have the big gun and the little girl (who knows what she’s doing) have the little gun.
The action was straight from a Michael Bay movie. Explosions for the sake of explosions. Like at the begining when Michael get his stockpile of guns (from, no joke, a kids store), and gets to a door that’s locked from his side and barred with a piece of wood (yet again from his side). Instead of just unlocking it and lifting the wood, he blows it up (with what I’m guessing is a rocket launcher). What is the point other than to have an unessary explosion? If he is really on a time crunch, it would have taken less time to not blow it up. Then there are a bunch of cars driving up to the diner and BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM!!!!! Too many that were just there for explosions sake. Because the people get out of the non-blown-up cars and the shooting stops. UH!!
From that I go into the last rant: logic. Yes, I realize that it’s a movie and that logic should be put aside. But some things just should not be overlooked. They drive at top speed into a wall of flies, the driver takes his hands off the wheel and swats at his face, but the car continues to drive perfectly straight and there is no crash; they make it back nice and safe. WHAT!!
The possessed that attack them for a little bit and then back off. Really, there are just eight, and God has about a million. There is no contest at all. Okay; their excuse is that they were testing their strength; next comes the test of weakness. Really!!! If you have two days to do something like this and you have the resources to just toss thousands of people at eight people, shouldn’t you? And not waste time with strengh and weekness checks? How about just driving the cars into the building? Shooting the building to pieces? No; that would just make sense.
SORRY BUT HERE COMES A SPOILER!!!!! The end, where the baby is born. The baby is born, and Michael specifically says that the possessed can’t go near the baby. So why do they have an extra end that shows them driving away with guns? Who do they need protection from? Did God just stop sending the army of the possessed against them? Is it still going on? It sounded like God was done and has moved on, so why all the guns? I just don’t get it.
Bad acting, bad plot, bad characters, bad action, bad everything. This is the true definition of just a BAD MOVIE. BOOM! End of story!Have You Read...?