The Drudgeon reviews Header

Header 89 min., 2006
Written by Michael E. Kennedy
Directed by Archibald Francrastin
Language: English
My rating: ★

Someone stick a dick in my brain to make me forget this movie!!

* * *

Our story beings with a little kid looking in on his father and grandpappy doing something, but never showing what it is, so we jump forward to the son (Travis) getting out of jail. He goes to this pappy’s place and finds that he lost his legs. From there, we hear a story about how all the men in prison wanted to cornhole him, but he wouldn’t let them. When one of them tried, he poked out his eye. After that flashback, Travis starts asking pappy about a “header,” and what it is.  After a long speech about how it’s the best way to get revenge on anyone that’s done you wrong, we finally learn what a header is.

A header is when you take some girl and, using a hole saw, cut a hole in the top of their skull, then you proceed to fuck their brain. That is what a header is. Got it?

So he goes on head humping and dumping the bodies in the open. The cops have no idea what’s going on, but everyone else seems to know. Which bring me to the other plot of this crap movie.

There is an ATF agent (Agent Stewart) that has a very sick wife (around $500 a month in prescriptions) and he can’t afford to keep up, so he starts to help traffic drugs. As that is going on, he is called to the scene of most of the headers. He tries to help the local police and he then finds out what a header is as well (from his boss).

Through pure genius, Stewart finds out who the head humpers are, and a confrontation takes place. This leads to a surprise ending that just sucks.

Where do I begin? The shit acting, the poor script, the bottom of the barrel effects, or the great idea?

Of course!! I’ll start with the word “cracker”. Now, I understand that African-Americans have taken the word “nigger” and almost turned it into a positive amongst themselves. Calling each other nigger as if it means brother, and trying to take the negative away from the word. This movie uses the word cracker in the same way, kind of. Travis and grandpappy are consistently calling every white folk they talk about “cracker.” Now this, I just don’t get. Was the writer trying to be cool, or trying to take the word and make it acceptable? Was he trying to say that the word cracker has the same impact as nigger? I really don’t think it does, and this is just one of the spots where the movie really shines as crap.

The other things about the movie are really a kick in the crotch. The acting is a prime example of how bad movies can get. The bad Southern accents and the really bad way that they think people talk to each other. Everyone (and I mean everyone) can’t act their way out of a two inch hole in the ground. All of them are completely over the top, trying to be too emotional, and in a really bad way. Stewart is the worst out of all of…wait, no one is the worst, as they all equally sucked.

Now, if you take a second grader and told them to make blood and effects for a movie, this is what you’d get. Everything is completely immature, doesn’t look planed well and pulled off poorly. All of it is just complete shit.

The story is just two different plots tossed together and at the end they tried to pull them together. It was a total failure on all levels. Everything about this movie (except the idea about a header) is just crap. Great ideas don’t make great movies, and this is perfect proof of that. It does raise one question though, if a man gives a header to another man, does that make him gay?

Favorite Quote

Stewart: “He can lick my ass, after I take a corn shit!”

Worst Quote

Every other line in the movie!

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About The Drudgeon

I don't remember my real name or where I came from. All I know is that I'm traped in an underground cave with nothing but a TV, DVD player and a notebook and pen. They keep calling me The Drudgeon, I don't even know what that means. Someone keeps dropping horror movies in and yelling at me to watch them and write about what I watch. Then I eat the DVD and case, because they tell me if I consume the horror I will understand the horror. I think there are three of them. So if you are reading this right now, HELP ME!!!!!!! OUCH!!!! Someone just poked me with a sea urchin attacked to a pool cue, what the fuck is going on?
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9 Responses to The Drudgeon reviews Header

  1. Amber says:

    I got yer Brain Penetrating Dick right here! Prepare for a Header!! When I’m done, can I also order a cock-lobotomy? This review makes me feel like I’ve already heard too much, your favorite quote giving me a tremendously unpleasant image. Yet, thank you for this review. I am glad you had to watch it, not me.

  2. Amber says:

    p.s. – I prefer the term “Skull Fucking”. Also, Blargh.

    • Lackey says:

      You have to admit, Skull-Fuckers of Hazzard County has less mainstream appeal, as a title, than Header.

      That being said, I would definitely watch any movie entitled Skull-Fuckers of Hazzard County on general principle.

  3. Douche McDouche says:

    I’ve skull-fucked a few chicks. Believe me, most of ’em have nothing to fuck in there.

  4. The Drudgeon says:

    By the way, skull fucking is when you fuck someone’s eye socket. So a header (fucking through a hole in the top of the head) and skull fucking (fucking an eye socket ) are actually different. Just wanting to point that out.

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