aka Vampire Apocalypse
89 min., 2008
Written by Tim McGregor/Tyler Levine
Directed by Harvey Glazer
My rating: ★★★
Take equal parts fun and crap, and you get Bitten.
* * *
The story begins with Jack (Jason Mewes), in a paramedic’s uniform, holding down a junkie. Out from the bathroom comes Roger (Richard Fitzpatrick), who comments on the fact that he was taking a massive shit. Roger starts telling Jack what he’s doing is wrong and he should’ve injected him first, and not try to hold him down. As it turns out they are paramedics who work the midnight shift and mainly have to deal with O.D.s and other street slime. We see them in a comedy montage almost taken directly from Benny Hill. After the night Jack starts heading home and finds a woman named Danika (Erica Cox) amongst a pile of garbage bags, and covered in blood. He takes her to his place, cleans her up, and then starts thinking that he is a junkie. After his ex-girlfriend shows up, it turns out that she is a vampire and needs blood. What will Jack do now?
The acting is actually pretty good. As much as I wanted to say that none of them could act, I really can’t. Jason Mewes and Richard Fitzpatrick both are great in their roles. Both take hold of them and go crazy, draining out every last drop of the characters with complete joy, making them a joy to watch.
The story was OK. They take the whole vampire angle and handle it more from a junkie standpoint, which is nice to see. Change can sometimes be good, and in this case it actually works. At first I was really against it, but as it went along I grew to like what they were doing.
Erica Cox is one of the worst actresses I think I’ve ever seen. She can’t do any emotion without struggling. Happy, sad, pain, are all done with a whole lot of trouble. The only reason she is in this movie is to show off her body, which wasn’t even that impressive. Having a nice ass, but having a really bad boob job really cancels each other out, making her a lopsided mess.
Now there were very little effects, but when they were on screen, as most take place off screen, they were just really poorly done. Having a big blood spray or having a body covered in blood does not make for good effects. Lastly are Danika’s fucking eyes, they were trying waaaaaaaaay to hard to make her have different looking eyes. Instead of it looking cool or alluring it was just plain annoying every time they focused on them. They looked completely out of place and completely fake. Fail!
Lastly I will bring up the swearing. Now if you read most of my reviews, you understand that I’m fine with swearing. But when you have a movie that’s only 89 minutes and they say the word fuck almost as much as the movie Scarface which was 170 minutes, it gets really annoying. Having someone swear during every interaction does not make them seem more real, it just makes them look really fucking stupid.Have You Read...?