90 min., 1989
Written by Jeff Mandel/Mike Griffin/Bruce Taylor
Directed by Jeff Mandel
My rating: ★★★★
Love it or hate it, it doesn’t matter, but that story…what the fuck!
* * *
Kirsten (Julie Austin) and her friends are in the woods and want to perform some “ritual” in the woods where her grandfather (Borah Silver) told her never to go, and using a book that her grandfather told her never to read, which goes nowhere because Kirsten cuts her hand on a glass candle-holder. Her blood hits the ground and as they leave, a creepy hand rises from the ground. She goes home and we meet her mother, who is a total bitch, and her grandfather, who just seem to be very crazy and gives her some really creepy looks. We jump forward to her at work with her friends and they start talking about messing with the mall Santa. She sits on his lap and the whispers into her ear “oral,” and then in turn, she slaps him. Not long after that a little creature kills Santa with a knife. So, Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty), a man that is friends with the store owner, and who used to be a cop and a drunk, is offered a job as the new Santa and gladly accepts the position. No one really pays attention to much of anything and the girls decide to meet their boyfriend that night at the mall. Shit goes crazy and then we start to hear all about the elves. Holy shit! What the hell did I just hear them say?
Where do I begin with the movie, oh, wow! I’m going to talk about the story last because there will be spoilers, so I’ll start with the acting. Acting really goes from great to downright crap bomb. You have Kirsten and her friends who can’t act and Borah Silver goes way too far over the top to be even acceptable. The flipside is Dan Haggerty and Deanna Lund who both take their roll very serious. Deanna Lund plays the perfect bitch of a mother and does it with a ton of gusto. Bravo to her and her craziness.
The effects of the movie, which mainly consist of the elf and a few death scenes, are very underplayed. Most of the effects are okay and are really tolerable. The elf itself is very poorly done, but it looks creepy as hell. I wouldn’t want that thing walking into my hole in the ground. The best effect scene is when Kirsten’s mother gets fried in the bathtub. Top-notch effects work going on there.
Spoilers Up Next
Now comes the story of the movie. I’m not making any of this up, I swear. Sit back and enjoy the weirdness that is Elves.
So we learn that elves were around back in biblical times and that God wanted them to go on the arc with Noah and the other animals. So time passes and then come the Nazis, who decided to experiment with elves and their powers. They give two stories as to what they were doing with them. First, they were trying to breed and control the perfect soldier. Elves live forever, can’t get killed, eat anything, and don’t care about killing anything, good and well for the Nazis, but bad for everyone else. The second story is that, again with all the aforementioned powers, they were being used to create the perfect master race. So we have Kirsten’s grandfather who has sex with Kirsten’s mother, because inbreeding is apparently essential in the process of making the perfect virgin girl. That virgin girl will then be impregnated by the elf and go on to make the perfect master race.
While that is going on, we have Grizzly Adams running around fighting the Nazis who have come to help move the process along and make sure that it does happen. The elf that is running around killing people because they are treating Kirsten like crap, all the while trying to get it on with Kirsten. Kirsten’s little brother who keeps on taking peeks at his naked sister and brags about how he’s going to tell his school that she has awesome tits. Her mother that treats her like crap and does what ever she can to make her life miserable. Her grandfather who slaps her and then looks like he wants to kiss her. All of this takes place in this movie and as strange as it sounds, if fucking works. Works on so many levels that it is just creepy.
Watch this movie and enjoy the truly crazy car crash of a movie. You really can’t look away from this madness and it does pay off in the end.
Fail—The movie is called Elves, but there is only one elf. Boooooo!Have You Read...?