The Drudgeon reviews Teeth

Teeth 94 min., 2007
Written by Mitchell Lichtenstein
Directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein
Language: English
My rating: ★

A place where teeth should never be, or maybe it’s just a movie that should never have been made.

* * *

We start with two kids in a kiddy pool. Brother and sister to be Dawn (Jess Weixler) and Brad (John Hensley) are playing a little game of you show me yours and I’ll show you mine. Well, it seems that Brad wanted to touch hers too, and it seems that it bit him. We fast forward to a teenage Dawn giving a speech to other kids about promise rings and that not having sex until marriage is the best you can do. Then she meets Tobey (Hale Appleman) and she starts having second thoughts. They go to a swimming spot that has a “cave” where people go to “do it.” They go to check it out and Tobey gets a bit too excited.  He ends up cracking her head on the ground and then proceeds to rape her, then her vagina bites off his dick. Now that’s funny…ha ha ha ha…rape is always funny!

By the way, when did rape become so funny? I mean, a man getting raped has always been funny, but the rape of a woman was never funny, until now. It’s great to see a guy knock a girl nearly unconscious or use drugs and alcohol to get into a woman’s pants. It’s about time the playing field has been leveled and we can finally laugh at the rape of women. Life is now great. (Sigh.)

The acting on the part of Jess Weixler was actually really good. When she was acting shy, she really came off as some girl you’d seen in the hallway. When she was terrified by what was going on, you really do believe it. Too bad everyone else just sucked so bad, that they just dragged her down with them. They overshadowed everything good that she did with about ten crappy things.

Now movies about women being powerful is not a new thing, even though people think that they are and the belief that women have always been portrayed as weak is also there, which is also not true. There are a lot of movies where the main character is a woman and she needs to become powerful to fight back against the main villain. So this whole movement about “it’s about time we have a strong female lead in movies” is complete bullshit. These movies have been around since the 70s and people should do a little research before they spout off at the mouth and try and sound like the spokesmen for women around the world.

The only other thing I learned by watching this movie is that EVERY man is a rapist.  I mean every single one of them.

This is one of the dumbest movies I think I’ve ever seen…EVER!

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About The Drudgeon

I don't remember my real name or where I came from. All I know is that I'm traped in an underground cave with nothing but a TV, DVD player and a notebook and pen. They keep calling me The Drudgeon, I don't even know what that means. Someone keeps dropping horror movies in and yelling at me to watch them and write about what I watch. Then I eat the DVD and case, because they tell me if I consume the horror I will understand the horror. I think there are three of them. So if you are reading this right now, HELP ME!!!!!!! OUCH!!!! Someone just poked me with a sea urchin attacked to a pool cue, what the fuck is going on?
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2 Responses to The Drudgeon reviews Teeth

  1. Lackey says:

    By the way, when did rape become so funny? I mean, a man getting raped has always been funny, but the rape of a woman was never funny, until now.

    It doesn’t seem to me that the rape is supposed to be funny, only the aftermath (we’re supposed to be laughing at Tobey getting his dick bitten off).

  2. John Bruni says:

    When it comes to rape, I like to take GWAR’s advice as a way to rationalize the act: “It’s not rape if it’s dead.” So if you want to avoid a serious crime that will destroy someone’s life forever, kill the victim first. That way, the pain gets out of the way early. This message has been brought to you by the Americans for Rape Association.

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