Blood Monkey [reviewed by Jori]

Directed by Robert Young, 2007 (88 min.)
My rating:
IMDB

Another throwaway Syfy fart.

* * *

I should have known. When the cover art has the word monkey with a picture of a gorilla, what do you expect? What I didn’t realize immediately was that Syfy had their hands in this. So that about explains everything.

F. Murray Abraham is Professor Hamilton (looking suspiciously like a Fidel Castro double), an anthropologist whose style is reminiscent of a dictator (Hm..,maybe the Castro resemblance was intentional). Having lost one crew of assistants already, he is now trying to get the new batch of interchangeable stereotypes to do his bidding as they search for a brand-new species of primate that is supposed to be bigger and smarter than even humans. Is F. Murray Abraham the only one that can act? Will we have the satisfaction of seeing all the stereotypes die? And what the hell is so threatening about a caboodle?

Poor Mr. Abraham must have realized that no one else could really act so he tried to act just a bit more to make up for the rest. It was a bit hammy for my taste, but overall he did a fine job. Which is something I can’t say for the rest of the actors.  Listen, I feel your pain—you had nothing to work with, but couldn’t someone else have at least put forth some effort? Professor Hamilton’s assistant Chenne (Prapimporn Karnchanda) as the token Asian (since this is set in Thailand after all) was so angry I can’t help but feel that most of the anger was not acting—she was genuinely pissed at the stupid role she accepted. Do you know what makes her memorable? When she karate kicks one of the students’ caboodle makeup case to…well, I’m still not sure what the hell that was about. I guess to threaten her. Follow the professor’s commands or I will karate kick the rest of your luggage!

None of the characters were likable at all. The entire movie consists of Chenne stomping around with angry face, the professor barking commands and the crew pretty much shrugging their shoulders and following his orders. This is all after they have established that he is lying, and having conversations amongst themselves about how they feel that they are being held against their will. Except these twerps don’t actually do anything to change their circumstances. For crying out loud, children protest and argue with their parents more than they did!

As much as it would be easy for me to complain about the terrible effects (oh come on, it’s so easy!) I think this time I have to restrain myself. I really think that they knew it was pretty crappy and kept it to a bare minimum (finally! Someone who knows their limit!). I would much rather spend the entire movie not seeing the “monster” if it means that I won’t be laughing or groaning at the bad effects. On a side note, CG flies are indeed the bane of my existence! This is the third time I have had to suffer through CG flies and it gets worse each time! (I’d point you to the other two movies, but they sucked too.) What didn’t piss me off was when we finally get a look at the blood monkey monster thingie at the end. Not that it was great (because it was a gorilla with large teeth and red eyes) but because I understood. It’s like the filmmakers were making a statement: stop bitching about not seeing the monster because this is what it actually looks like.

There really is nothing to see here folks—not the acting, not the plot (what plot?) and not the gore (when you show me someone’s face that supposedly got bitten off by a massive monster, I don’t expect to see someone who looks like they just had a chemical peel on one side of the face). It’s not even funny enough to warrant watching MST3K style (which more often than not makes any bad movie enjoyable). As a matter of fact, let’s just all pretend this movie never happened, okay? Great. Thanks. (Here’s hoping the next movie will be watchable.)

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