98 min., 2007
Written by Michael Roesch/Peter Scheerer
Directed by Michael Roesch/Peter Scheerer
My rating: ★
Just what went wrong? Everything!
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The movie starts “Near Brazov, Romania–3 Weeks Ago” with someone’s hand getting pricked on a skull in a tomb. We then jump to “San Pedro, California–Today” where Carrie (Victoria Pratt) and Thomas (William Snow) are being held captive by vampires, including Fork (Wes Ramsey) and his boss Pashek (Sid Haig). After a little back and forth and Carrie picking the lock of her chains, she kills a few vampires and locks the rest out. Thomas is trying to figure out what’s going on and Carrie starts to tell her flashback, er, uh, backstory (of a few days ago). Carrie and her band of vampire slayers have come back from a successful slaying and are they are taking inventory of what they got from them. After a little more modern day and flashback, a vampire named Stanis (Ken Foree) shows up and tells (after some torture) about someone (or something) that even the vampires fear, Vlad Kossei.
The acting is crap and a bunch of junior high kids could pull of these roles better and more believable than these guys can. Even the veterans show that they don’t give a shit about this movie and that they are only doing this because they must owe a favor to the freaking devil or something. The acting is just so amateur that it hurts to watch.
The effects are so bad that I refuse to even write about them.
Why would or does someone want to become a vampire? What are some of the draws to being one of the undead? You get to live forever and stay young. Super strength and maybe the ability to turn into a bat, wolf or mist, or maybe you just think they dress really cool. One of the draws for me is the few ways that you can die, but that’s just me and my desire to not get mangled and found in some really stupid way (like falling face first into a bear trap while your taking a leak in the woods, how embarrassing would that be? Face in a bear trap with your dork hanging out, no thank you). Overall there are (depending on which lore you follow) about only four to five ways to buy the farm, right? But the vampires in this movie seem to have no bonuses other than staying alive longer. They don’t seem to have super strength or the ability to change into anything else; they are killed by normal bullets in the stomach or a pole through the neck, and they dress like idiots (a Doctor Who scarf on a vampire? Really? Who ever thought that was a good idea should be shot). So where is the allure in these vampires? These are some of the lamest vampires I’ve ever seen (and I’m even going to include the vampires from Twilight even though I’ve never seen or read the books, but they seem infinitely better than these losers).
I expected something a little bit more professional than what I got. I understand that it’s Ghosthouse Underground, but I didn’t expect it to be sooooooo amateur. Just everything about it was screaming we don’t know what we’re doing and everything from the acting to the effects were just unbearable to watch. If you are a vampire fan in any sense, then you need to stay about a million miles away from this one, but if you hate vampire films then this will solidify your hatred, but either way after watching this it will make you weep a little bit after it’s over. The only thing it had going for it was the plot, which was pretty interesting, but it was never allowed to pick up full speed because of the limitations of the writing that actually made it on screen. Avoid this one at all costs, even if you are looking for a movie to MST3K, this one will cause nothing but Deep Hurting (a little MST joke, sorry).Have You Read...?