The Drudgeon reviews Terror Toons

Terror Toons 81 min., 2002
Written by Rudy Balli/Joe Castro/Steven J. Escobar
Directed by Joe Castro
Language: English
My rating: ★★

This could have been a cult classic, but it just lasts too long.

* * *

Cindy (Beverly Lynn) and Candy’s (Lizzie Borden) parents are leaving for the weekend, so Cindy is convinced by her friend Amy (Kerry Liu) to invite over Rick (Brandon Reininger) and Eddie (Fernando Padilla) for some fun.  While that is going on, Candy received a movie called Terror Toons in the mail.  The story of the movie is that Dr. Carnage (Matty Moo) steals a monkey from an animal experimentation lab and does his own experiments on it.  After the experiment the monkey grows and turns into a gun toting purple monkey named Max Assassin (Scott Barrows).  Dr. Carnage chases him trying to stop his killing spree, but he ends up helping most of the time.  Well, she watches it and Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin come into reality and start to wreak havoc.  Can Cindy and The Cartoon Cop (Sullivan James), who also came into reality, stop them before they are unleashed into the rest of the world?

The acting is just atrocious in this movie.  Then again it’s what I expected.  So when everyone is just reading lines and no one is believable, it really doesn’t come as a shock.  The only real standouts are Brandon Reininger, especially when he loses his mind, and Lizzie Borden when she is a puppet.  Both do a pretty good job, but it’s really nothing special.  It’s just that everyone else is terrible that makes those two look better, but not by much.

When it comes to the effects, they are just as bad as the acting.  The difference here is that the bad effects actually make each of the scenes more fun.  The guts in the beginning looks pretty good, but then it just kinda loses steam.  It’s almost like they spent all of their effects money on the opening scene and on the costumes for Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin, but after that they have nothing to work with.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen a lot worse in movies that have more money to toss around, and some of the effects are actually quite inventive, but again they do show how little they put toward them.

What can I say about a movie with a premise like this?  I could say it was awesome, because it’s a plot that’s right up my alley, but the main problem is that every scene lasts about two to five minutes too long.  When I say every scene, I really do mean every scene.  Even the most pointless scenes last minutes longer than necessary and after the first half hour you’ve just had enough.  It really sucks because this could really have been a crazy classic, but because of pointless length of everything, you laugh for about a minute, and then you are looking at your watch to see how much longer you have to wait for it to be over.  In the end there is something really fun here, but the funny parts are so drawn out it just losses all comedic value and enters the realm of annoyance.  The one star rating is solely for the purple gun-toting monkey.

Award For Best Board Game That Should Exist goes to:  Strip Wegee.

You see, the guys want to play strip poker and the girls want to play with the Oujia board, but no one wants to budge, so they decide to play Strip Oujia.  The actual title on the board is Strip Wegee.  What ever the board spells out is the article of clothing you have to take off.  It sounds pretty lame, but the end result would be nakedness and that’s always a win (well almost always a win, depending on who you’re playing with).

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About The Drudgeon

I don't remember my real name or where I came from. All I know is that I'm traped in an underground cave with nothing but a TV, DVD player and a notebook and pen. They keep calling me The Drudgeon, I don't even know what that means. Someone keeps dropping horror movies in and yelling at me to watch them and write about what I watch. Then I eat the DVD and case, because they tell me if I consume the horror I will understand the horror. I think there are three of them. So if you are reading this right now, HELP ME!!!!!!! OUCH!!!! Someone just poked me with a sea urchin attacked to a pool cue, what the fuck is going on?
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