The Drudgeon reviews Troll 3

Troll 3aka Contamination .7 (Original Title), The Crawlers, Creepers
91 min., 1993
Written by David Hills/Rossella Drudi/Fabrizio Laurenti/Albert Lawrence/Daniel Steel
Directed by Martin Newlin
Language: English
My rating: ★

Another Troll sequel that has nothing to do with Troll.

* * *

We pick up where Troll 2 left off…wait…we don’t because this movie has about as much to do with Troll 2 as Troll 2 had to do with Troll.  So we begin with two girls on a bus talking.  Susan (Chelsi Stahr) is going to Seattle and is wondering where the next stop is.  The other girl, Josie (Mary Sellers) is from the town and says that she is just going to visit her family.  Susan gets left at a rest stop, gets a ride from some guy who tries to rape her and in the process of running away she gets attacked and killed by something that is at ankle level.  We then go to see Josie meeting her family again and seeing her old boyfriend Matt (Jason Saucier).  While all of this is going on a man by the name of Dr. Taylor (Bubba Reeves) is trying to tell the local nuclear plant that something is going on because there are extremely high levels of radiation all over the forest and he doesn’t know where it is coming from.  Then we meet Brian (Patrick Collins) who has come to town because his grandfather just died of strange circumstances and he wants an autopsy done on his body.  The Sheriff (Vince O’Neil) tells him that it’s too late and that the body has already been buried.  After talking to Josie and Matt, Brian agrees that something strange is going on.  Is there any way to stop the killer roots (yes they are roots) or is the town just plain doomed?

Where do I begin when it comes to the acting?  How about there are no words to describe how terrible, rotten and just plain shitty it is.  Mary Sellers is god awful with no emotions, Jason Saucier looks and sounds like he just fell off of a thirty foot building before walking on set and Vince O’Neil seems to take pride that a pile of shit has more acting ability than he does.  The only ones that seem to not be mentally retarded when it comes to acting is Chelsi Stahr and Patrick Collins, but even then I’m probably giving them way too much.

Normally I will talk about the effects here, but No!  No I will not!  The use of rubber roots and toys is just too much for me to handle.

So the big thing about this movie is that Troll 2 is supposed to be one of the worst movies ever, but this one has it beat on so many levels it isn’t even funny.  From the worst acting that I have ever seen, the over use of toys for vehicles (done at least four times, mainly with the bulldozers), the retarded concept and the worst fighting with rubber tentacles I have ever seen.  In fact there are so many tentacles in this movie that at times it felt like I was watching a live action hentai, except with no plot or nudity.  There was no real reason that I can think of why this movie was made.  It has no connection with any other movie in the “series” and even the “surprise” ending is just lame.  At least Troll 2 had goblins which closely resemble trolls, but all this movie has are roots and really crappy looking ones at that.  Do you remember Bride Of The Monster and how Bela fought the octopus and that is considered to be some of the worst “fighting” ever.  This movie makes that look like a professional martial arts fight.  Then we have the “heroes” that come to save the day and all I got from that is “hooray for deforestation!”  Please avoid at all costs.

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About The Drudgeon

I don't remember my real name or where I came from. All I know is that I'm traped in an underground cave with nothing but a TV, DVD player and a notebook and pen. They keep calling me The Drudgeon, I don't even know what that means. Someone keeps dropping horror movies in and yelling at me to watch them and write about what I watch. Then I eat the DVD and case, because they tell me if I consume the horror I will understand the horror. I think there are three of them. So if you are reading this right now, HELP ME!!!!!!! OUCH!!!! Someone just poked me with a sea urchin attacked to a pool cue, what the fuck is going on?
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