The Drudgeon reviews 2-Headed Shark Attack

2-Headed Shark Attack 88 min., 2012
Written by Edward DeRuiter/H. Perry Horton
Directed by Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray
Language: English
My rating: ★

Did The Asylum finally release a good movie?  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

We begin with two girls wakeboarding with three guys taking photos from the boat that is pulling them.  After a little of this, a giant two-headed shark pops out of the water and eats the two girls.  It then proceeds to destroy the boat and kill the three guys.  We then switch to a ship called the Sea King whose captain, Professor Babish (Charlie O’Connell), is taking a bunch of students on a learning trip.  Among them is tough girl Kate (Brooke Hogan), the local geek Paul (David Gallegos), the muscle clad jock Cole (Geoff Ward) and stuck up Kristen (Corinne Nobili).  Also on the boat are Babish’s wife Anne (Carmen Electra) and the second in command Laura (Morgan Thompson).  After a little time the Sea King hits a Megamouth Shark and it ends up getting caught in the motor, which forces Babish to take the college kids onto a local atoll.  While looking around Laura tries to repair a hull breach but she is attacked and killed by the two-headed shark.  After a few students are killed by the two-headed shark the atoll starts to break apart.  Stuck on an atoll that is slowing falling apart and with a giant two-headed shark out in the water, what are the Professor and his students to do?

Let’s see, we have Brooke Hogan, Carmen Electra and Charlie O’Connell, so what do you expect from the acting pool?  Yep it’s what you should expect.  Garbage!  Just knowing how bad it was going to be didn’t even prepare me for what I had to sit through.  Yes it was bad, but this is a new level of bad (but not Troll 3 bad).  The only actors that did a decent job were David Gallegos and Corinne Nobili.  Both played their parts with a tiny amount of believability, but then again they were still crap.

Oh, the wonderful CG that this movie had to offer me.  We get a lame looking two headed shark, but I am willing to forgive that, but then we get a scene where the character Laura is underwater and trying to weld the ship.  She is attacked by the two-headed shark and instead of her just fighting with a foam and rubber shark (which there were a lot of scenes that were just that), we end up getting the GC shark and her being CGed.  If that isn’t bad enough, the CG was on the level of old Playstation One games and it reminded me of Tomb Raider.  Blech!

So this is another Asylum movie and what did I get?  The exact same as every other Asylum movie.  Yep, complete crap and nothing but.  It’s filled with nothing but terrible acting, Playstation One level CG, mistakes up the wazoo and the script was just filled with boring line after boring line.  I’m just going to bring up a few mistakes that were made and these are big in my book.  I’m not going to bring up the fact that (and they say this) a trained professional would have to take at least one day to weld the ship.  But then we have Brooke Hogan’s character who has never been scuba diving or ever done underwater welding, but she has no problem doing it in a matter of minutes.  There is a scene where two of the characters are tossed into the water, and while they are splashing around you can actually clearly see a stage hand swimming in the water with them.  It’s like they weren’t even trying to hide it.  Now that’s bad and annoying but it not as bad as when the two-headed shark gets one of its heads blown off and from that point on they keep changing which head was blown up.  Right, left, left, left, right, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start, etc.

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About The Drudgeon

I don't remember my real name or where I came from. All I know is that I'm traped in an underground cave with nothing but a TV, DVD player and a notebook and pen. They keep calling me The Drudgeon, I don't even know what that means. Someone keeps dropping horror movies in and yelling at me to watch them and write about what I watch. Then I eat the DVD and case, because they tell me if I consume the horror I will understand the horror. I think there are three of them. So if you are reading this right now, HELP ME!!!!!!! OUCH!!!! Someone just poked me with a sea urchin attacked to a pool cue, what the fuck is going on?
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One Response to The Drudgeon reviews 2-Headed Shark Attack

  1. John Bruni says:

    CONTRA! By the way, anyone who loves CONTRA should read this: http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=contra3_owns

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