The Drudgeon reviews Bane

Bane 120 min., 2008
Written by James Eaves
Directed by James Eaves
Language: English
My rating: ★

Wow!  What a piece of shit!

* * *

The movie starts with four girls being put in a chair and then they are injected with something that makes them drowsy.  The first girl (Sophia Dawnay) wakes up and on her wrist band is the name Katherine, so she naturally thinks that she must be named Katherine.  The other girls start to wake up and include the Jane (Lisa Devlin) who wears glasses, tough girl Natasha (Tina Barnes) and scared Elainen (Sylvia Robson).  Along with not knowing why they are all in this room (there are basically four beds, a bathroom and the walls are like a fence with plastic on the opposite side), all of them seem to have had their memories wiped.  After a little time a man, Dr. Mudoch (Daniel Jordan) and his assistant (listed as Handsome Man) (Jonathan Sidgwick), enter the room and take each girl for some testing.  They are asked questions, shown things and their emotions are recorded for some unknown use.  As a little more time passes we learn that the fence is electrified.  One night Jane wakes up to a strange man stabbing Elainen and in the middle Jane passes out.  The next day it turns out that there have been some numbers carved into Elainen’s back, but what can they mean?  Will the strange man reappear or is it all in Jane’s mind?

Do I really need to go into the acting involved in this movie?  I guess I do, so I’m going to try and make this as painless as possible (unlike watching this movie).  Bad.  Bad is the best word I could give this movie’s actors.  I could use terrible, atrocious or fucking stupid, but those words actually require more syllables than this movie is actually worth, so I’m just going to go with bad.  The worst of the bunch were Daniel Jordan, Lisa Devlin and Jonathan Sidgwick.  They make a razor blade enema sound like the best time you could ever have.

The lowest of the low.  They did seem to try, but the failed on every level.  There are about a dozen strange sprays of blood that go in the oddest directions and all of the wounds just look silly.  You can try to ignore them, but they hang on every scene five minutes too long to be able to ignore. A bullet in the head, living afterwards as a half brain dead person and shitting yourself, would be a million times more enjoyable than ever watching these attempts at effects.

Everything about this movie just screams CRAP!  The acting is terrible, the effects are below amateur, the story is just retarded and the ending leaves a whole lot to be desired.  Spoilers ahead!  So we are supposed to believe that aliens have taken over the Earth and that the only way that we have figured out how to stop them is with raw emotions.  Okay that just sounds really lame.  But then we are barraged for a good ten minutes after hearing this, of all emotions that Katherine had felt during the movie.  That’s bad enough if the movie was actually good, but everything we are shown just reaffirms how bad the movie was, and you scream inside because you are reliving all the shit you just watched and tried to forget.  Actually just take a canister of nerve gas, shove it up your ass, put a canister of tear gas down your throat and have your worst enemies taze you over and over again and now you have a good feel for what you are in store for if you watch this.

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About The Drudgeon

I don't remember my real name or where I came from. All I know is that I'm traped in an underground cave with nothing but a TV, DVD player and a notebook and pen. They keep calling me The Drudgeon, I don't even know what that means. Someone keeps dropping horror movies in and yelling at me to watch them and write about what I watch. Then I eat the DVD and case, because they tell me if I consume the horror I will understand the horror. I think there are three of them. So if you are reading this right now, HELP ME!!!!!!! OUCH!!!! Someone just poked me with a sea urchin attacked to a pool cue, what the fuck is going on?
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One Response to The Drudgeon reviews Bane

  1. John Bruni says:

    Wow. You make it sound like they should have used this film in the Ludovico Technique in CLOCKWORK ORANGE.

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