98 min., 2003
Directed by Ronny Yu
Ronny Yu destroys two horror franchises with one movie! God I hate him!
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The first thing that happens in the movie is that we get a voiceover by Freddy (Robert Englund) and how over time he has been forgotten about and that that is what gives him his power, but he has a new idea about how to make people fear his name again. Next we see a girl getting naked and jumping in a lake. She climbs out and is attacked by Jason (Ken Kirzinger). She is pinned to a tree by Jason’s machete and seems dead. Suddenly she starts talking to Jason and she morphs into other teens and finally into Jason’s mother who tells him that he needs to go to Elm Street and kill, but it turns out that it’s Freddy. We are then introduced to Lori Campbell (Monica Keena) and her friends, Kia Waterson (Kelly Rowland) and Gibb Smith (Katharine Isabelle). Lori is now living in the house where Nancy (if you are like Ronny Yu and don’t know who I’m talking about, FUCK YOU) used to live and they are waiting for Gibb’s boyfriend, Trey (Jesse Hutch) to show up. He does and he brought his friend Blake (David Kopp) who likes Lori. After some sex Gibb takes a shower and that’s when Jason strikes and kills Trey. We also meet Will Rollins (Jason Ritter), Mark Davis (Brendan Fletcher), Charlie Linderman (Chris Marquette), Bill Freeburg (Kyle Labine) and Deputy Scott Stubbs (Lochlyn Munro), who all have a part to play throughout the movie. Will Jason’s killing bring enough power back to Freddy so he can rule Springwood again or will Jason overpower Freddy and do whatever he wants?
Normally I would go into the acting and the effects, but this time I’m going to skip all that because there was something sinister going on in this movie. I will say that the acting ranges from terrible – Monica Keena and Jason Ritter, to great – Brendan Fletcher and Zack Ward. The effects were all-around great. Most of the CG fits well into the movie and the practical effects were top notch.
So why do I think that something wasn’t right about this movie? Where do I fucking begin? First off the characters were some of the worst to grace a horror movie. Most were extremely bland and they really lacked any real personality. Okay I understand that in a slasher movie the people that are going to die don’t need to be some deep characters but at the same time there should be some emotion that I feel towards them. The only character that I actually liked was Mark Davis and his dead brother, but that’s probably because they were well acted and well written. The worst of the bunch was the character of Freeburg. Now the acting wasn’t too bad, but the main problem lies in that he was just a Jay (from Clerks, Mallrats…) rip-off. It wasn’t even a minor rip-off. No, it was just blatant. They didn’t even try to make him different in any way. It could have been a good character if it was just an homage, but talk about fail.
Next on the list is how the movie seemed to be one big fucking public service announcement. Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh, but in the beginning we get to hear about how bad Gibb is for smoking and she hears it from her friends and her boyfriend. If you don’t know that smoking is bad by now then maybe you should be fucking dead.
Here’s the next question, why is it that Jason got eighteen kills in the movie and Freddy got one. You read that right, ONE! I know that Freddy has never been about the kill count, but only one kill. It really feels that throughout the whole movie Freddy was getting the short end of the stick. From the get go we understand that Jason is just being used, but when they actually start fighting it is revealed that Jason is afraid of water. WHAT!!!!!!! Where did this come from? Have they never seen a Friday The 13th. Oh wait, that’s right, they didn’t! Mr. Ronny Yu had never seen a Friday The 13th movie or a Nightmare On Elm Street movie, but he was put in charge of the movie that brings them together. So we get this fucking bizarre scene where Jason is afraid of water and it just doesn’t make any sense. Just to name two movies where Jason specifically shows no fear of water is Jason Lives – Friday The 13th Part VI, towards the end he walks straight into the water to attack Tommy, and then we have Jason Takes A Boat Ride where the whole movie takes place on a fucking boat. No fear was shown when he comes climbing out of the water to get on the boat. I think it was just a lame attempt to make people feel sorry for Jason and to get the audience on one of their sides. FUCK YOU! Jason is evil and Freddy is evil, end of story. Before you decide to make a movie that brings two incredibly popular franchises together, do some fucking research and don’t just put in things that would be cool, because they don’t work. You fucking tools!
The last thing I will bitch about is a spoiler so stop reading if you don’t want to know. Somehow Lori gets tossed back in time and she takes the search warrant that wasn’t signed in the right places (A Nightmare On Elm Street) and signs it. Therefore erasing the entire Nightmare series. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!! You don’t do that! It’s like a crime against humanity and it’s fucking stupid. In fact this whole movie is fucking stupid and if you remotely like either series you should never watch it. Watch scat porn, watch a baby getting raped, watch your parents having sex because all of these are better for your eyes than this horrible masterwork of anal baseball bat rape.
FUCK YOU RONNY YU!!!!!Have You Read...?