aka Stepfather 3
110 min., 1992
Written by Guy Magar/Marc B. Ray
Directed by Guy Magar
My rating: ★★
LOST… without Terry O’Quinn.
* * *
If I had to sum this movie up in three words they would read: FUCK. THIS. GARBAGE! If anybody bothered to watch The Stepfather 1, the man catches a knife to the chest. It’s at least believable that they missed his heart and he lived to come back for the second one. Now, on the next go round, unless this motherfucka took a cake knife to the exact same spot, then his ass should be dead. Instead you’ve got this unkillable, third time’s a charm, Michael Myers-esque, Jason Vorhees clone type son-of-a-bitch not only coming back from the dead for a third time, but they don’t even bother to tell you how the fuck he did it! He apparently just escapes from another mental institution and waltzes his ass into a black market plastic surgeon’s office with a wad of cash which also appears from who-knows-the-fuck-where.
The best acting in this film is from the grimy ass plastic surgeon, which according to my calculations, gives an infinite number of negative fucks about hygiene or cancer with him chain smoking during the surgery. Even after all that, the fake Terry O’Quinn’s character slits this bastard’s throat without a second thought then strolls off into the sunset of modern day suburbia. You don’t see his face this whole time, even after the surgery, so when several months later, this one guy is acting obsessive over the broad who used to play Janet on Three’s Company (whom is our female lead by the way, big fucking budge that this was) and a second male whom she approaches seems to be taking his place it starts to read like a mystery. Had they actually fleshed that story arc out, then it would have made for a far better film than this steaming pile of horse shit they actually cranked out.
You find out pretty quickly that the obsessive guy isn’t the stepfather after taking a shovel to the face and the actor starts doing his signature “Camptown Races” whistle. Had they gotten anyone else to replace Terry O’Quinn, including Nicholas Cage, the performance could have been salvageable. Sadly though, we get to watch this dime store knock off throw temper tantrums rather than have the classic rage outs that showed just how unstable the original character was once he was out of view of his makeshift family. As usual, it’s the kid who grows suspicious of his motives and identity and decides to investigate. Enlisting the help of a priest who is also his best buddy is predictably the worst move the kid could have made since it results in the priest’s unnecessary car over a cliff explosion based death. The kid, by the way, apparently is a computer hacker and special crimes investigator all from the comfort of his wheelchair. I know what you’re thinking. Blick you say, you wouldn’t dare insult or make fun of a little crippled assed boy would you? And my reply is fuck yes I would! Especially when the kid ain’t even really fuckin’ crippled. He’s in a wheel chair, but apparently his ability or inability to walk is completely in his underdeveloped head.
I honestly would like to go into more detail but reliving this is giving me a fucking Excedrin headache thiiiis big. What I will say to sum this up is that the deaths in this come with some one-liners that are both out of character and cheesy as hell, a totally unnecessary sex scene, a second family that never really gets the opportunity to be much more than cannon fodder, and if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then this main character should never try to flatter another person as long as his talentless ass lives. The only good things I can say are that he dies for once in a way that is absolutely permanent, he does have that mister nice guy routine down pat, and since this review has been written and published I’ll never have to sit through that shit again. I can’t bear to give it a skull for the minimal amount of creativity that went into the plot as well as the acting by the woman he was grooming to be his second wife and the performance by the boy’s biological father and their family.
Hopefully that summed this epic cinematic fail and I can bring you something of more quality on my next go round. Until then, may all your films bring you fright.Have You Read...?