Snakeman

Snakeman [Movie review by the Drudgeon]

Snakemanaka The Snake King
96 min., 2005
Directed by Allan A. Goldstein
My rating: Zero Stars (The Skull)
IMDB

Does SyFy really think these movies are actually good?

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The movie begins with a group of people opening an old coffin.  We then jump to a scientific gathering where they unveil the body that was found in the coffin.  The body is over three hundred years old and the scientists have decided to go find the secret to this man’s long life.  The two scientists that are going consist of Dr. Rick Gordon (Larry Day) and Dr. Susan Elters (Jayne Heitmeyer) and their guide into the nasty Amazon is Matt Ford (Stephen Baldwin).  As they make their way to the landing site, their helicopter is hit by lightning and they are forced to land in the middle of the jungle.  They start their journey to the meeting site, meet some of the natives that Matt is good friends with and then at night they are attacked by a giant three headed snake.  They are caught by a tribe known as the Snake People who worship Naga, the giant snake.  It turns out that they are the holders of this secret to long life, but is it worth all the trouble?

Everything about this movie is just horrible.  You have some really poor acting with most of the acting sounding like someone is feeding them their lines off screen and when they don’t sound like that it seems like they forgot their lines and were allowed to just adlib and in doing so they just fail.  The effects look like they should have been from an early 90’s movie instead of a movie from 2005.  Effects can take a great movie and just turn it completely sour and this isn’t a great example, because this movie is complete crap even if you took out the bad CG, but having the CG as terrible as it is, well that’s just the icing on the shit cake that this movie is.

Normally I don’t go into the overall story of a movie because (usually) no matter how silly it may sound it can still be an enjoyable movie, just look at the overall story of Child’s Play.  Now the story of this movie could actually have been really good but the main problem is that you just don’t care about anyone and everything that happens seems to pretty much move away from the actual story.  Then when they do finally get on point with the plot it just starts going down a really silly path.

Maybe in other hands and with a different cast this could have been a really great movie, then again probably not.

This movie wins the award for the most pointless use of bodybuilders in a movie.  You see, the Snake People just what the body that was taken back, but instead of bringing it back they decide to bring in some soldiers.  The thing in that these soldiers are the size of body builders which I find really counterproductive.  When you go into a gun fight I would think the last thing you would want to do is give the enemy more space for them to hit.  These guys were twice the size of a normal soldier and that just makes the target twice as big.

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About The Drudgeon

I don't remember my real name or where I came from. All I know is that I'm traped in an underground cave with nothing but a TV, DVD player and a notebook and pen. They keep calling me The Drudgeon, I don't even know what that means. Someone keeps dropping horror movies in and yelling at me to watch them and write about what I watch. Then I eat the DVD and case, because they tell me if I consume the horror I will understand the horror. I think there are three of them. So if you are reading this right now, HELP ME!!!!!!! OUCH!!!! Someone just poked me with a sea urchin attacked to a pool cue, what the fuck is going on?

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