81 min., 2009
Written by Kevin Strange
Directed by Kevin Strange
My rating: ★★★★★
What if Jay and Silent Bob lived in Tromaville?
* * *
DISCLAIMER: I have been working with StrangeHouse Books since they published a short story of mine, “Pack Rat,” in one of their anthologies. Kevin Strange was nice enough to publish my second book, TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE, and we have more projects in the works right now. That said, I don’t give out good reviews to people who don’t deserve it, no matter how close they might be to me. If any of you doubt that I really enjoyed COCKHAMMER as much as I did, ask Jori, Lackey, or the Drudgeon, and they will confirm for you that this is exactly the kind of movie that gets me off. [Editor’s note: I can so confirm. –Lackey]
That’s an interesting question, mostly because it would be hard to tell who would be Kevin Smith’s dynamic duo in this situation. Is it Perander and Terrence, who spend their time fucking each others’ girlfriends and begging to be anally penetrated by dildos (but not a male cock, NEVER a male cock)? Or is it Nixon and Hogan, two stoners with one-track minds (that one-track leading to pussy)? Maybe it’s Windgate and Wolfram, the two ruthless (kind of) hitmen who work for Norman CockHammer. Or . . . gasp! It couldn’t be MaryBeth and Gertrude, Perander and Terrence’s foul-mouthed, pussy-cock-hungry girlfriends, could it?
Picture it now: Perander and Terrence, fueled by countless pills, want two things more than anything right now: Nixon’s superweed, and dildos in their asses. They send out their girlfriends to pick up these things to cap off their day of fucking their women. MaryBeth and Gertrude head over to Nixon and Hogan’s place, where they trade hypersexual barbs at each other until Gertrude shows her tits to get the superweed. However, as soon as they leave, they run into big trouble in the form of Windgate Mcgillucutty, an aging hitman ready to hang it all up and get out of the business, and Wolfram Hart, his eager-to-kill partner. Too bad for the girls that these guys work for CockHammer, and they’re just what he needs to . . . well.
You see, CockHammer is a snuff porn director, but he’s so much more than that. He wants to be a god, and he’s willing to sacrifice wayward women via the Black Mage diary in order to achieve this.
Perander and Terrence discover their girls have been gone a while, so they go in search of them . . . and the truth. Along the way, they pick up Nixon and Hogan, and the four of them must face off against CockHammer in order to save their women and possibly the world. Throw in a bunch of tranny demons, genital mutilation, and good God, a dick-knife, and you have the tits and gore masterpiece that is COCKHAMMER.
Holy Christ, this should have been a Troma movie. It’s not surprising that writer and director Kevin Strange is a big fan. Tits, dicks, blood and guts, this film has it all. But shockingly, the real magic of this film comes not from the gory visuals, but from the dialogue and the actors. Strange supplies them with tapestries of pornographic, obscene lunacy to speak, and somehow they memorized them all and delivered them without flinching. No one in their right mind would EVER say these things seriously to someone else, yet these actors manage to make them sound almost reasonable. There has to be a blooper reel an hour long of these actors not being able to finish their lines without cracking up.
Special mention goes to Joe Hammerstone (Terrence), Erik A. Williams (Perander), Katie Deerest (MaryBeth) and Aimee Donahue (Gertrude). These actors were real troopers. They said some of the most batshit crazy dialogue anyone has ever come up with for a film, and they all seem to mean it. Not even the over-the-top stoners (one of which is played by Strange himself) can top this quartet of lunatics.
And then there’s the Tromarific transformation of CockHammer (again, played by Strange) from snuff porn director to god, complete with the biggest set of genitals this side of THIS IS THE END.
Warning: this movie is not for everyone. Looking for a romantic comedy? Well, if you look at COCKHAMMER one way, it COULD qualify. But chances are, you might want something else. However, if you enjoy a good nudity and drug-filled gorefest with lots of absurd violence (including a guy getting his eye stabbed out with a severed cock) and sleazy humor (which is gayer—jerking off on a male friend’s face, or putting your dick in his mouth?), then this one is right up your alley. Uh, so to speak.Have You Read...?