John Bruni reviews Little Vampire Taints

Little Vampire Taintsaka As Taras De Um Minivampiro (Original Title)
61 min., 1987
Written by
Directed by José Adalto Cardoso
Language: Portugese
My rating: ★★★

Seriously, what the fuck is this?!

* * *

What, exactly, is LITTLE VAMPIRE TAINTS? First and foremost, it’s a pornographic movie with a little bit of a horror story thrown in. It’s not just any horror story, though; the villain is a Brazilian vampire midget. That’s right.

That’s all you really need to know. There is a plot, though it’s not very good, and it’s not very important. There’s a group of people filming a movie out in the boonies of Brazil, and in between bouts of full-penetration sex, they face off against our little vampire villain.

But never mind that. You certainly won’t pay attention to whatever the fuck is actually going on. Besides, unless you speak Portuguese, chances are good that you won’t know what’s going on, anyway. Technically, this movie hasn’t been released in the US, and it certainly hasn’t been translated, much less given subtitles. To make things even worse, the picture quality is absolute shit. You know how some DVD’s just transfer films from a VHS copy? This one is so much worse than that. In some of the night scenes, you can’t even see what’s happening. The movie starts out with the vampire midget terrorizing two women on the streets, but that’s about all you can gather from the images you see. The action is mostly composed of amorphous, moving blobs.

That aside, it’s usually pretty simple to figure out the plot and the characters. For example, there is one guy who heads off to his bedroom, and when he grabs a bunch of magazines from under his mattress, you know he’s going to jerk off. But when he relaxes on his bed and starts leafing through them, you see they’re pictures of horses from equestrian journals. Immediately, you’ll start to question your instincts . . . but then, he starts making kissy faces at the horse pictures, and then, you guessed it, he starts jerking off. (There’s another scene where he’s standing behind an actual horse, jerking off like a beast. One can’t help but wish the horse would rear back and kick his dick off.)

This film is full of actual sex. The problem is, these are all people you’d rather not watch having sex. There is altogether waaaay too much hair everywhere. Floppy tits and tiny, gnarly dicks. One dude even has a ballsack that looks like Zorak’s head (from Space Ghost).

But sometimes, these awful-looking people are used to great comedic purposes. Early in the movie, two guys are sexing up a woman in the jungle. The vampire midget watches them for a while before he jumps in and attacks. Watching these people trying to fight him while naked is pretty fucking funny.

In fact, it’s pretty obvious that this movie was meant as a comedy. The vampire midget, for example, can go out in the sunlight, provided he’s wearing his sunglasses. He also sleeps in the dirt, and in one scene, a woman stumbles upon him by accidentally stroking his cock in the ground. It grows from the dirt like a flower.

In yet another scene, the vampire midget has a woman cornered, and he starts going down on her, only to discover that she’s on her period. He yanks her pad off and goes at it like a dog at a water dish. (It’s worth mentioning that probably the first person to portray a vampire feasting on menstrual blood was Theodore Sturgeon, but the chances that the director had read that tale are infinitesimally low.)

One of the best scenes, though, is when the midget vampire comes upon a couple at the park. The woman is down on her knees, sucking her boyfriend off, and when the midget vampire leaps upon them, her jaws, uh, clamp shut.

And then, of course, there’s the ending with the midget vampire going to the dentist . . .

Despite all of these grotesquely humorous moments, there are a lot of terrible scenes. The opening credits, for example, are agonizingly long. The problem is, they freeze-frame on a guy reading a newspaper on the toilet—which is funny, at first—but they keep rolling the credits for what seems like a half an hour, using that same image. Long before they get to the director credit, you just want to give up.

OK, yes. This movie is primarily made so guys could jerk off. But the sex scenes go on for too long. Plus, the sex scenes that you’d be most interested in NEVER HAPPEN. The midget vampire never gets involved with anyone except when he tongues that one chick’s snatch. Why not let him bang a few of these women? Maybe while biting their necks and drinking their blood? Things in this movie are pretty goofy. Why not get weird with the fucking scenes?

Because let’s face it: this movie, while it is porn, is nearly impossible to jerk off to. Maybe it was different back in 1987, when there was no internet porn, but as a pornographic film, this is a bust.

Is it worth seeing? Yes. Just to be able to say that you saw it. You’ll get a few laughs out of it, but if you’re thinking about getting a few dick-strokes out of it, you’re going to be disappointed. You’ve also got to make peace with the fact that the picture quality needs to be cleaned the fuck up, and that you’re not going to understand a word you hear.

But yeah. You might laugh your balls off.

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About John Bruni

John Bruni is the author of DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN (New Kink), POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS and TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE (StrangeHouse) and STRIP (Riot Forge). His short work has appeared in anthologies like A HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE (Pill Hill), ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG! (StrangeHouse) and the critically acclaimed VILE THINGS (Comet). He edited STRANGE SEX 3 for StrangeHouse, and he was the editor and publisher of TABARD INN: TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE. Find out more at www.talesofquestionabletaste.com and www.talesofunspeakabletaste.blogspot.com.
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