John Bruni reviews Big Tits Zombie

Big Tits Zombieaka Kyonyû Doragon – Onsen Zonbi Vs Sutorippâ 5 (Original Title), The Big Tits Dragon
73 min., 2010
Written by Takao Nakano
Directed by Takao Nakano
Language: Japanese
My rating: ★★★★

Somebody’s been watching too many Tarantino movies . . .

* * *

OK, let’s get this out of the way: this movie has the word TITS in the title. We’re not going to be looking at high art, here. Chances are, this is going to be softcore porn with a horror angle, the kind of thing Cinemax used to do so well back in the day. Might there be something more to this film?

It’s got the makings of an interesting, sleazy horror tale. Lena is a stripper who has just returned from a vacation in Mexico, and she goes to work for a guy who owes her money, mostly because she doesn’t have anywhere else to go, and the gig comes with a place to stay. Unfortunately, the club is in a rundown part of town, and an entire family committed suicide there not too long ago, so they don’t get a lot of business. Instead of shaking their tittays and rubbing their asses on clothed erections, they spend time in the backroom, talking shit and reading Tarot futures. One day, they discover a secret passage in the back room that leads to a room containing riches and rare books. One of these rare books is the Book of the Dead, and when one of the dancers reads aloud from it, she accidentally raises the dead.

Whoops.

All right, so there’s not much to that story. Even strippers fighting zombies has been done quite a few times, let alone the reading-from-the-book-of-the-dead trope. To top it all off, the digital blood effects are absolute garbage. The fights are terribly choreographed. And even worse, there aren’t a lot of tits in this flick. Two pairs, shown twice. It’s like these two scenes are shoehorned in, kind of in a wink-wink, nudge-nudge way.

So why does this thing rate three stars? One word: imagery. There are things in this movie you won’t see anywhere else. For example, in one scene, the club is going to close down, so their boss sends the strippers out to a private gig, trying to trick them into prostituting themselves. The girls are strong, though, and they insist that they’re dancers, not hookers. However, in the middle of this gig, they discover that these old perverts want them for neither purpose: they want to watch them sumo wrestle. It’s so fucking strange to see skinny little girls sumo wrestling.

Lena also has an unfortunate habit of getting spectacularly drunk and sleeping with people she ordinarily have nothing to do with, like the homeless dude (from whom she steals an umbrella) and the weird old guy they sumo wrestle for.

Immediately after reading from the Book of the Dead, a girl’s sushi dinner comes back to life and jumps at the strippers in a stupendously ridiculous fashion.

One of the strippers, when cornered by the zombies, offers them candy to leave her alone. They pause, throw the candy aside, and resume advancing on her. Then, she offers to show them her tits, and they wait patiently.

The zombies—who, by the way, can fight pretty well for dead guys—are spotted playing ping pong with an eyeball.

One of the best scenes portrays a bunch of zombies eating a girl’s guts off of her with chopsticks, in an in-the-raw fashion.

And then there’s the FIRE-BREATHING VAGINA.

These images, and so much more, make up for a lot. The pacing of this movie drags for such a short movie. Not counting the opening scene, it takes a half an hour to get to the actual story. Also, director Takao Nakano seems to take a lot of his cues from Tarantino, as if he’s trying to make a grindhouse film. He’s scratched up his footage to make it look older, for example, and a lot of the music is reminiscent of Ennio Morricone. Naturally, the girls have to face off against the zombies with katana blades and a chainsaw, so . . . yeah.

This film is a mish-mash of influences, and ordinarily, that would make for shitty viewing. Yet thanks to images like, for example, putting wasabi on a zombie’s elongated tongue to defeat it, this movie is definitely entertaining. Just don’t expect too much. Don’t even expect to jerk off to it. Just sit back and get ready to laugh.

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About John Bruni

John Bruni is the author of DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN (New Kink), POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS and TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE (StrangeHouse) and STRIP (Riot Forge). His short work has appeared in anthologies like A HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE (Pill Hill), ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG! (StrangeHouse) and the critically acclaimed VILE THINGS (Comet). He edited STRANGE SEX 3 for StrangeHouse, and he was the editor and publisher of TABARD INN: TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE. Find out more at www.talesofquestionabletaste.com and www.talesofunspeakabletaste.blogspot.com.
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