John Bruni reviews BLOODSUCKA JONES

103 min., 2014
Directed by Justin Armao
Language: English
My rating: ★★★★

VAN WILDER meets SALEM’S LOT by way of CLERKS and BLACK DYNAMITE

* * *

You can’t lose with this movie. The tone is set immediately in the opening scene when a horny young man has gone parking with the object of his lust—er, affection. She takes her top off, and when he’s distracted by her boobs, she vamps out and gets ready for dinner. He sees the fangs, but he just can’t help but look back at her tits. He’s captivated by them.

And then he gets killed by creepy vampire children. What more could you ask for?

Never mind that dead dude. This is really David’s story. He falls in love with a vampire named Christine (not knowing she’s one until later), but her brother Stewart happens to be the frat boy leader of the local group of vampires, complete with a popped collar and a lackey to slap around. The vampires are trying to scare David away from his girlfriend, but when he learns the truth, he does what anyone raised on THE LOST BOYS would do: he goes to a comic book shop in search of the Frog—er, a vampire hunter.

He finds Tony, who is possibly the most laid back vampire hunter in history. He comes off as a dumber version of Randal from CLERKS. He based everything he knows about hunting vampires on a comic book called BLOODSUCKA JONES. He’s actually pretty cowardly, and when he’s first confronted with a real vampire, he comically flees, leaving David with nothing to defend himself but snappy comebacks.

Shit soon gets real when they find out that Bloodsucka Jones is an actual person, and he (along with his hot, close-mouthed sidekick Vanessa) have showed up to train David and Tony to become skilled, if not fearless, vampire killers. Yes, there are training montages. What do you take director Justin Armao for? This is, after all, an excellent homage to ‘Eighties movies about plucky losers getting help from the one cool kid to turn the tables on the asshole jocks. But, you know, with vampires.

This is one of the funniest horror-comedies to come along in a while. Granted, it leans waaaaay more on the side of comedy, but the stakes are real, and a lot of people die. For an indie film, it looks surprisingly good, and the acting is excellent. The comedic timing is perfect, which can sometimes be a problem for small movies like this one. The special effects are nice, too. Very little is clunky about this film. The writing is spot-on, and the one-liners are fucking amazing.

Still not convinced? Here’s another scene that perfectly sets the tone: David is visited by a vampire at his window, SALEM’S LOT-style. It’s very creepy . . . at first. And then David reacts like he’s annoyed, trying to shush the vampire because he’s trying to sleep. Even better, check out the ridiculous top he’s wearing at the time.

This film doesn’t lag at a single point. It’s tight as all hell. It’s funny as all hell. It’s just great. See it immediately, and be ready to sing the praises of Carlos!

PS: They’re planning on a sequel! Yes!

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About John Bruni

John Bruni is the author of DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN (New Kink), POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS and TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE (StrangeHouse) and STRIP (Riot Forge). His short work has appeared in anthologies like A HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE (Pill Hill), ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG! (StrangeHouse) and the critically acclaimed VILE THINGS (Comet). He edited STRANGE SEX 3 for StrangeHouse, and he was the editor and publisher of TABARD INN: TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE. Find out more at www.talesofquestionabletaste.com and www.talesofunspeakabletaste.blogspot.com.
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