69 min. (tee-hee!), 2004
Directed by Bill Zebub
Language: English (not that it matters)
My rating: ★
There is no blasphemy, but there is boredom.
* * *
It catches the eye pretty easily. The title alone is enough to get your attention, whether you’re a fan of sexploitation or a prude looking for something to vilify. And then there’s the BDSM imagery with nearly naked women on the cover. How could anyone pass it up?
Check out what it says on the back: “Described as ‘the most artistic sexploitation movie in cinema history’ (sleazeANDhorror.com), JCSR has been re-mastered and re-edited to enhance the dreamy atmosphere. ‘Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist’ is the story of a schizophrenic who suffers the delusion that he is Jesus reborn, and he sees people as ‘reincarnations’ of the apostles who let him die. He vows revenge against them—in perverse and sadistic attacks on their women. The director broke all rules in this experimental and stylized rendering of horrific crimes. There is no blasphemy, but there is the tearing asunder of tradition.”
Not bad. There’s a lot of promise in something like that. Does it live up to this grand introduction?
Eh . . . no. Not even close. There are a lot of things wrong with this movie, but the biggest problem of all is the fact that there is no way you can get that description from watching the film. The only connection you can possibly make is there is one scene where Jesus (played by writer and director Bill Zebub) crosses off the names of apostles with lines of blood, and this comes about 50 minutes into the movie. He is clearly up to something here, but there is no way anyone (except Zebub himself) could connect this description to anything that happens in the movie. Is Jesus a schizo? Possibly, but it’s never addressed. Is he really locked into this revenge thing? Unlikely. Maybe he forgot that Mary Magdalene wasn’t an apostle, but crucifixion and being dead for three days probably screws with one’s memory. Why does he take out his supposed vengeance on the women and not the men? It makes no sense. Besides, since when did Christ believe in reincarnation? Maybe that’s why they put that word in quotes in the description.
Never mind. You don’t want to go down this rabbit hole. The next biggest problem is the fact that it’s shot like a music video. Even worse, a slow motion video. Everything is in slow mo, and all the images are fuzzy like Zebub maybe forgot to focus his camera. Even the fucking end credits are fuzzy. You don’t get any sound aside from the music he’s chosen to play over all 69 minutes. There is no story at all. It’s just the same thing happening over and over again. Jesus captures an unwitting woman, tortures her, sexes her up, tortures her more, crucifies her and then leaves her body facedown on the floor surrounded by candles. This happens about five or six times, and that’s the movie.
Yeah, that’s something else. The women exist in this movie to be victims, nothing more. None of them has a chance of escaping Jesus, and almost all of them show no signs that they want to get away, that they’ve resigned themselves to be tortured and raped and murdered. It would be kind of nice if they actually tried to be real people.
Maybe there’s some kind of statement going on. Religion has been used for millennia to keep women down and have them serve only as the property of men, nothing more than cum receptacles and housekeepers. The argument could be made that this is what Zebub is saying, but there is a sneaking suspicion he made this movie just so he could squeeze a lot of boobies.
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with squeezing boobies, but goddammit, you don’t need to make an overly pretentious movie in order to do that. Have you tried dating? Is Zoosk still a thing? You could probably find someone there who would let you fondle them. Shit, prostitution is legal in Nevada. Go on a road trip, dude.
Did any good come out of this movie? Yes. Not much, but there is something in there. The heavy metal soundtrack is pretty cool, and it matches the material pretty well. Also, the movie opens up with a series of beautiful imagery. Nude BDSM women getting crucified or carrying crosses to their crucifixion, things like that. It’s a nice touch, but these things aren’t enough to recommend this movie.
It’s a shame. This one could have been so much more, but the way things went, it should have been no more than 30 minutes long. That’s being generous, too. Maybe it would have been better as a music video, like one of those ten minute sagas that MTV never shows anymore.
The world needs a JESUS CHRIST: SERIAL RAPIST but unfortunately not this one.Have You Read...?