John Bruni reviews Halloween XXX Porn Parody

Halloween XXX Porn Parody 128 min., 2011
Written by —-
Directed by Jim Powers
Language: English
My rating: ★★★★

No, not the classic Rob Zomb–er, John Carpenter movie. The PORN parody!

* * *

Horror porn can go one way or the other. A lot of it comes from the ‘Seventies or early ‘Eighties, the era of actors you really don’t want to see naked, much less sexually performing for your jack off purposes. The newer stuff tends to fare a bit better. This one was made in 2011, and it’s pretty fucking good. It also helps that it was lovingly made by someone who very clearly was obsessed with the original HALLOWEEN.

Although it would have been nice if they porned the name up a bit. Sure, there’s not much you can do with HALLOWEEN, but there was zero effort on that one.

The opening credits are a wonderful mirror of the original. The only problem is that the theme song sounds like someone’s ringtone instead of an actual score. Ah well. Who is coming to this for the music?

And yes. These are people you’d really like to watch having sex. Could you spank it to LITTLE VAMPIRE TAINTS? Fuck no. This movie? Oh yes. Yes. YES. The hottest scene is where Laurie, played with a glorious phony sexual innocence by Lily Labeau, sits on the couch in her living room while watching a slasher flick and masturbating. It’s pretty quirky and one of the great humorous touches on this porno. There’s another scene where . . . well, hold off on that one for a moment.

Speaking of quirky, there are a lot of unintentionally funny moments. In one scene when Laurie and her friends are walking down the street, you can see a jogger in the background. He’s not supposed to be there. That was some dude who went out for a run and had no idea that he’d stumbled into the story part of a porno. They cut away for a moment, and in the next scene, where the jogger should be, he is gone. In another moment you see Loomis, played fairly straightly by Marcus London, arguing with his boss about what to do about a freshly escaped Michael Myers. Loomis is wearing a trench coat, but the belt has come free of one of its loops so it hangs comically low. He then gets in a car, slams the door on the belt and drives away with it dragging on the ground. And then there’s the one dude who, after having sex with his girlfriend, goes to leave the bedroom, and he turns around with sunglasses on. He then cocks his upraised thumbs and—standing between her two bare knees—says, “Hey.” Yes, this porn parody has a Fonz reference. And then there’s the moment when one of Myers’s pending victims calls him “Silent Bob.”

Getting back to the porn, though, the sex scenes aren’t without their problems. The moneyshots are boring. After all that effort, all we get are dribblers? And oddly enough, the sex scenes go on for waaaaaaaay too long. This movie is more than two hours. That’s pretty fucking long for a porn parody.

What else indicates that this was made by a HALLOWEEN fan? The POV shot through the clown mask is pretty good. The creepy scene when Myers, supposedly dead, quietly sits up would have been awesome if the guy behind the mask seemed intimidating. And the guy they got for Loomis puts his all into it. Donald Pleasance probably had a bigger dick, though.

And then there is the climax, so to speak. Laurie has been invited to her friend’s place, but there’s a slight problem: both the friend and her boyfriend have just been murdered. Laurie’s main motive is to fuck her friend’s boyfriend. When Myers, hidden under a bed sheet ghost costume held in place by a pair of sunglasses, wanders downstairs and sees Laurie, she thinks it’s the boyfriend, so she starts getting naked and masturbating.

She doesn’t know that under that sheet is a serial killer who also, uh, happens to be her brother. But Myers, who clearly knows how she’s related to him, should really know better. Perhaps all he really needed all this time is to have sex with his sister. Maybe all of this madness could have been avoided . . .

He tears a hole in his sheet, and holy shit! Michael Myers (played during sex scenes by the cunningly named Criss Strokes) is packing heat! This turns out to be the sexiest scene that isn’t Laurie’s solo act. But it’s also weird because. Well. You know. Incest.

So yeah. This porn parody gets the job done. There is just one more gripe: nobody is murdered during the actual act of sex. You’d think that would be the obvious direction to take this into. Nope. No one cums and dies at the same time. It could have made for some funny porn moments.

And one more thing: Loomis doesn’t have sex with Laurie after he saves her life?!?!?!?!?! What gives? That’s a missed opportunity, Mr. Powers.

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About John Bruni

John Bruni is the author of DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN (New Kink), POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS and TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE (StrangeHouse) and STRIP (Riot Forge). His short work has appeared in anthologies like A HACKED-UP HOLIDAY MASSACRE (Pill Hill), ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG! (StrangeHouse) and the critically acclaimed VILE THINGS (Comet). He edited STRANGE SEX 3 for StrangeHouse, and he was the editor and publisher of TABARD INN: TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE. Find out more at www.talesofquestionabletaste.com and www.talesofunspeakabletaste.blogspot.com.
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